🔑 THE KEYS WERE YOURS ALL ALONG
ANGIE LANGLEY
The Happiness Expert
I don't have the map to your life.
I'm not here to drive your fucking car.
Unless it's a really cool one. Then we can talk.
PATZY: Absolutely fucking not. You don't even know where we're going.
ZSA ZSA: Neither does she, Leopard Pants. That's the point.
ANGIE: Can you two give me five fucking minutes?
I'm trying to welcome people to the website.
And I sure as hell don't have all the answers.
I've spent enough years figuring out my own shit to know nobody else gets to live your life for you.
I can tell you my story.
I can share what helped me.
I can help pull out some of the blocked energy you've been carrying.
But your life?
That's yours.
Your life.
Your shit.
Your choices.
Your fucking keys. 🔑
WELCOME TO
HEALING WITHOUT THE BULLSHIT
PATZY: I have some concerns about this website.
ANGIE: We've been here for thirty fucking seconds.
PATZY: Exactly. First of all, there's too much swearing.
ZSA ZSA: You smoke indoors.
PATZY: THAT IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
ANGIE: Patzy is currently trying to take control of the website.
She will not be given the password.
WHO THE FUCK ARE PATZY & ZSA ZSA?
Before you start wondering what kind of website you've landed on, I should probably explain.
Like most people, different parts of me show up depending on what the hell is going on.
There's the part that worries.
The part that overthinks.
The part that wants to keep me safe.
And the part that occasionally says...
Fuck it. We're doing it anyway.
Eventually, two of those parts became so recognizable that I gave them names.
And because apparently naming them wasn't enough, I gave them personalities, wardrobes and starring roles in my fucking books.
Heading 5
Patzy
Patzy is the name I gave the protective, scared, overthinking part of myself.
She started showing up when I was young.
She learned that staying small, watching everything around me
and worrying about what
everyone else thought might keep me safe.
And she never really stopped.
PATZY: I'm prepared. There's a difference.
ZSA ZSA: There really isn't.
Patzy isn't the enemy.
She's the part of me that's always watching for what could go wrong.
She's trying to protect me.
Sometimes she's just a little fucking dramatic about it.
PATZY: Have you SEEN some of your decisions!
ANGIE: And yet we're still here.
She can have an opinion. She can bitch from the passenger seat.
SHE JUST DOESN'T GET TO DRIVE ANYMORE. 🔑
ZSA ZSA
Zsa Zsa is the name I gave the calmer, more trusting part of myself.
She showed up later, when I started doing things that scared the shit out of me anyway.
Zsa Zsa doesn't know what's going to happen.
She's not psychic.
She's not a guru.
And she sure as hell doesn't have the map.
She just trusts me to figure shit out.
PATZY: That is a TERRIBLE fucking plan.
ZSA ZSA: You’ve had us rehearsing disasters for forty years.
Let’s give her a fucking turn.
Zsa Zsa doesn't grab the wheel either.
She doesn't tell me where to go.
She reminds me that I can trust myself to hold the keys.
SO THAT'S US.
Patzy tries to protect me.
Zsa Zsa reminds me to trust myself.
And me?
I'm the woman sitting between the two of them trying to finish my fucking website.
PATZY: Speaking of which, I still need the password.
ANGIE: No!!
ZSA ZSA: Worth a try, Leopard Pants!
Neither one of them gets the keys.
I DO. 🔑
📚 COME READ MY FUCKED-UP STORY.
I didn't sit down one day and decide I was going to write three books telling people how to fix their lives.
Fuck that!
I wrote about mine.
The trauma. The fear. The burnout. The grief. The people-pleasing.
The body bullshit.
The bathing suit.
The bodybuilding competition.
Starting over when starting over wasn't part of the fucking plan.
And yes...
THE FUCKING COOLER.
PATZY: We really didn't need to tell people about the cooler.
ZSA ZSA: The cooler was one of her better decisions.
ANGIE: Thank you.
ZSA ZSA: That wasn't a compliment.
THE HEALING WITHOUT THE BULLSHIT SERIES
PATZY: I would like it noted that I did not consent to being published.
ZSA ZSA: Three books later and she's still bringing this up.
ANGIE: Wait until she finds out they're on Amazon.
PATZY: THEY'RE FUCKING WHERE?!
ANGIE: Amazon.
PATZY: STRANGERS CAN BUY THEM?!
ZSA ZSA: That's generally how Amazon works.
PATZY: I NEED THE FUCKING WEBSITE PASSWORD.
ANGIE: Oh, we're not done.
PATZY: What the fuck does THAT mean?
ANGIE: I put all three books together.
PATZY: You fucking WHAT?
ANGIE: One paperback.
PATZY: ANGIE.
ANGIE: 487 pages.
PATZY: ANGIE!
ZSA ZSA: I'd take the cigarette away before you show her.
ANGIE: Patzy...
🔑 FINDING MY FUCKING WAY BACK
The Healing Without the Bullshit Collection
THREE BOOKS. ONE PAPERBACK. THE WHOLE FUCKING STORY.
All three books. 487 pages. One paperback.
PATZY: DO NOT CLICK THAT FUCKING BUTTON.
ZSA ZSA: Definitely click the button.
PATZY: GIVE ME THE PASSWORD.
ANGIE: Absolutely fucking not.
SOME SHIT WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH.
SOME SHIT WILL MAKE YOU CRY.
Some shit will make you think, Jesus Christ, Angie.
And some shit might feel a little too fucking familiar.
That's life.
It's funny and heartbreaking and ridiculous and beautiful and completely fucked up sometimes.
Mine certainly has been.
PATZY: Can we go back to the funny shit?
ZSA ZSA: That's not how life works.
ANGIE: Unfortunately, she's right.
And some shit?
YOU CARRY FOR FAR TOO FUCKING LONG.
Which brings us to...
🔑 LET'S PULL SOME OF THAT SHIT OUT.
L.I.F.T
Light Infused Freedom Technique
Sometimes shit gets stuck.
Emotions.
Stress.
Experiences.
Energy you've been carrying around for so long you might not even realize it's still there.
That's where LIFT comes in.
With LIFT, I work with you to identify the blocked energies you're carrying and help pull some of that shit out.
We don't need to spend hours dissecting every detail of your past.
We don't need to drag you through every painful memory.
We work with what's there.
PATZY: We're not touching anything.
Everything is perfectly fucking fine where it is.
ZSA ZSA: She seems relaxed.
ANGIE: Very.
I'm not going to promise to magically fix your entire fucking life.
That's not my job.
I pull out the blocked energies.
YOU KEEP THE FUCKING KEYS. 🔑
👯♀️ YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS SHIT ALONE.
THE SOUL-FILLED SISTERHOOD
Sometimes you don't need somebody telling you what to do.
Sometimes it's just nice to be around women who aren't pretending they've got everything figured out.
Real women.
Real lives.
No pretending you have your shit together before you walk through the door.
Thank fuck.
PATZY: Who are all these women?
ANGIE: The Sisterhood.
PATZY: Do we know them?
ZSA ZSA: That's generally how meeting people works.
PATZY: I'm going to stand over here and judge quietly.
ZSA ZSA: You've never done anything quietly in your life.
WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TO GO? 🔑
No seventeen-step roadmap.
No pretending I know what you need.
No bullshit.
There are three doors.
You've already got the fucking key.
WHICH ONE ARE YOU OPENING? 🔑
PATZY: We should probably check what's behind them first.
ZSA ZSA: Or we could open one.
PATZY: THAT'S HOW PEOPLE GET MURDERED!
ANGIE: Jesus Christ, Patzy.
🔑 THE KEYS WERE YOURS ALL ALONG.
I can tell my story,
share what helped me,
and help work with blocked energy.
I can walk beside you.
But I don't decide where you go.
THAT'S YOUR JOB.
Patzy tries to protect me.
Zsa Zsa reminds me to trust myself.
But neither one gets the fucking keys.
I DO. 🔑
PATZY: Give me the fucking keys.
ANGIE: No.
PATZY: The password?
ANGIE: Also no.
ZSA ZSA: You tried.
PATZY: I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP.
ANGIE: I know.
PATZY: What do I do now?
ANGIE: Go to bed, Patzy.
I'VE GOT THIS.
ZSA ZSA: She does.
And if you landed here wondering what the fuck you'd stumbled into...
Welcome to Healing Without the Bullshit.
Make yourself at home.
You've already got the fucking keys. 🔑